Parents are part of the team: how to work with families
Parents are often more competitive than their children. What a child needs to enjoy football, how to explain your way of working to families and a code of conduct to share at the start of the season.
Linkalde · 2026-10-19
Every youth coach has lived it: the dad shouting instructions from the stand that contradict yours, the mum asking why her son played fewer minutes, the shout at the referee in an under-8s match. And the opposite too: families who drive half the team around, who organise the end-of-season tournament and who cheer every child on equally. The difference between the two often has nothing to do with the parents, but with what the club and the coach have explained to them.
“Parents are often more competitive than their children.”
What a child needs to enjoy the game
FIFA's youth football manual sums up in five keys what a child needs to feel at their football school. They work for the coach and they are the best way to explain to families what we are after:
| The child feels… | What the coach does | What parents can do |
|---|---|---|
| Safe | Looks after the kit, the pitch and the way people are treated: nobody makes fun of anybody. | Trust the coach and flag any health problem. |
| Welcome | Welcomes everyone, whatever their level, age or background. | Cheer on their child's team-mates and the opposition too. |
| A good player | Highlights what they do well before what they get wrong. | Ask “did you have fun?” before “did you win?”. |
| Part of the group | Balances the teams and shares out the minutes. | Not compare their child with other kids in front of them. |
| Important | Recognises achievements and lets them try new things. | Celebrate effort and progress, not just goals. |
Why pressure hurts the child
In his book on children's football, Carlos Borzi describes what happens when the adults push too hard: the child cannot show what they are able to do. The demands from parents, coaches and spectators are always much the same: perform the way they want, be the star, do something different from what the coach asked, or stick to tactical duties that take away their initiative.
- The child already suffers the defeat. If we also make them feel guilty, they end up angry with team-mates, arguing with the referee or, at worst, quitting football.
- Winning has to be possible, because without it the excitement fades. That is why they should play against children of a similar level.
- When you win, keep calm: recognise what each one contributed without turning an under-11s match into a cup final.
- Nothing new on match day: what a child hears for the first time in the middle of a game makes them insecure. What is practised during the week is what you ask for on Saturday.
Two voices giving instructions at once (the coach's and the parent's) is the worst thing for a child: they have to choose whom to listen to and almost always end up doing neither. Ask families to cheer, and leave the instructions to the coach alone.
How to make families an ally
- A meeting at the start of the season. Explain how you work, why everyone plays, how minutes are shared out and what you expect from them. Ten minutes in September save you many awkward conversations in March.
- Repeat the message before tournaments and festivals: the aim is for everyone to play and to learn.
- Talk to each family about what their child does well. Parents find it much easier to understand your work when they see you know their child.
- Know the background: each family's customs, timetables and circumstances explain a lot of behaviour.
- Give them a role: driving the kids, organising the end-of-season tournament, helping with the kit. The parent who gets involved is usually the one who complains least.
- Use the chance to talk about what is not football: rest, nutrition, hygiene and how to support the child when things go wrong.
A code to share with families
FIFA proposes codes of conduct for children, parents and referees. This is a summary of the parents' one, ready to hand out at the start-of-season meeting or to pin in the team's parents' group chat:
- Children play to have fun themselves, not to entertain us.
- Encourage before you demand.
- Never scold for a mistake or for losing a match.
- Children learn by example: what we do in the stand they copy on the pitch.
- Cheer and congratulate both teams, whoever wins.
- Respect the decisions of the coach and the referee, and teach the children to do the same.
- Support the volunteers, coaches and referees: without them there is no match.
The children's code runs along the same lines: “play to enjoy yourself and not just to please your parents”, respect your opponents and accept the referee's decisions. Shaking hands before and after every match is a small ritual that helps a lot.
If there is still a conflict
- Never in the heat of the moment or in front of the children. After the match, in private and calmly.
- Start with what you share: you both want the child to enjoy the game and improve.
- Talk about specific facts (“in the stand he is given different instructions from mine”) and not about the person.
- If it happens again, seek the support of the coordinator or the club: it is not your problem alone.
So as not to depend on each team's WhatsApp group, match call-ups, notices and the club calendar can go through an official channel: that way families know where to look and the coach does not have to reply at all hours.
Bibliography
- FIFA. Grassroots. Manual de fútbol base. Fédération Internationale de Football Association.
- Borzi, C. A.. Fútbol infantil. Entrenamiento programado.
- INAF. El fútbol formativo. Instituto Nacional del Fútbol, Deporte y Actividad Física.